This is a poem I wrote last year, but it still describes my view of God pretty accurately…

I’ve spent many of my nights

gazing up into the heavens,

skeptical of stars

despite the scientific evidence.

I know what all those speckles are

and their gases that burn within,

but my heart still jumps and marvels

with the awe it can’t keep in.

I know those stars exist

but they seem too far away.

My mind’s left fried and jumbled

with the words my heart can’t say.

And sometimes, God, I see You,

the way I see a star:

so beautiful, so marvelous,

yet so distant and so far.

My soul longs to understand

how You can shine so bright,

how while surrounded by such darkness,

You’re still my Guiding Light.

I’ve learned to know You as a fact,

mastered You as a science,

but when it comes to trusting You,

I feel my slight defiance

to the fact that I cannot begin

to ever understand

Your purpose and your power,

my future You have planned,

the balance You maintain

of holiness, perfection,

mercy, grace, unfailing love,

justice and correction.

So here is my surrender

of every question in my mind:

You’re so beyond what thoughts can hold,

You’ll never be defined.

I fall now, Lord, onto my knees

to worship you tonight,

for when surrounded by such darkness,

You’re still my Guiding Light.

And sometimes, God, I see You

the way I see the sun:

surrounded by Your light and warmth,

You are the only one

that my soul longs to be filled with

Your love is all I see,

not just speckles in the darkness,

for God, You’ve set me free.

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I don’t believe in Santa Clause. When I was 5 years old, I sat my dad down the day after Christmas to share my skepticism with him, and he did not fight to defend one of America’s greatest fictional characters. I don’t believe in the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, or the dangers of opening an umbrella indoors. I’m not a gullible individual. I don’t easily give myself into the values that advertisements and media try to sell. I don’t have any superstitious habits or unjustifiable fears, unless, of course, you’d argue that spiders and knives aren’t both legitimate things to fear, in which case I would say that you are very, very wrong. All that to say, I’m somewhat of a cynic when it comes to having faith in things I can’t see, touch, or prove through science.

And yet, I believe in God.

I accepted Christ into my heart when I was five years old. I went to Macomb Christian (only in Kindergarten), and all of the students were taking part in a big assembly. The speakers were handing out teddy bears to everyone who accepted Christ into their heart, so I prayed a short prayer and received the ultimate gift… a teddy bear. I honestly don’t think that I received salvation in that moment, and I came to the same conclusion many times throughout my childhood. I accepted Christ into my heart 17+ times, simply because I was afraid that I hadn’t gotten it right the first sixteen times. Anytime an especially talented speaker encouraged his audience to accept Christ, I ran up to the steps of the stage and prayed fervently, hoping that this time it might stick.

The fear I felt towards the prospect of hell as a child makes it seem like I didn’t love God, but I did. I loved him more than anything, except maybe my parents and my brother. I have vivid memories of sharing bible stories with a girl named Michelle in elementary school underneath a giant tree at recess. I told her about Noah, Jonah, and Abraham. I told her about Jesus. I could not hold in my excitement about how incredible my God was. MY God. He didn’t seem far away back then. I didn’t have any trouble knowing that He was holding my hand when I walked to school. I asked my first grade teacher if she knew God, and she told my parents that I needed to learn to only talk about religion in appropriate settings. As an innocent first grader with her eyes set solely on Christ, I endured persecution. No, it was nothing traumatizing or life-threatening. I don’t think it even hurt my feelings that much, but it was persecution nonetheless.

I am now a senior in high school. I’ve been blessed beyond measure. I went to public school from first to sixth grade, but have spent the past 6ish years learning about God, both in a theological sense and in an applicable way. Everyone around me believes, or claims to believe, in God. I talk about Christ daily. I talk TO Christ daily. I lead worship multiple times a week and hear sermons equally as often. God should be the most real thing in my life. He should be, but He’s not. I should be able to love God with the unhindered passion I had as a child, but I often struggle to do so. I should endure harder, more trying persecution, but I only ever receive praise for my relationship with God. I should be sacrificing for God, but I am only giving to Him what is convenient for me to give. I give Him my time and many of my thoughts, but I struggle in giving Him 100% of me.

Why don’t I believe wholeheartedly in the most incredible Being in my life!? How could I not run to Him when He is my EVERYTHING!? I’m learning to find Him. I’m learning to notice Him.

I’ve come to a realization, and it’s shaken everything I thought I believed. I used to think being a Christian was just about trying to serve God. I don’t think it is anymore. Believing in God is SUCH A BIG DEAL!! If one truly believes that there is a God, that He created everything, and that He sent His son as a sacrifice to save us from being eternally seperated from Him and His perfection… HOW CAN THEY NOT CONSTANTLY CELEBRATE!? If God is real, then everything is different. If God is actually real, then not one single thing that I pursue in this world matters!

If I believe in God, then how can I not love Him!? And if I love Him, then how can I not pour my heart out to Him!? And if I pray to Him, how can I not listen to what He’s said to me!? And if I listen to all that He’s said, then how can I not obey!?

But I’ll never be perfect. I’ll never obey all that He asks of me. So, by the transitive property, I’ll never believe in Him? No. I’m going to mess up, even if I do believe in Him and love Him. However, I will constantly be fighting against my desire to rebel against God. I’ll find true joy in Him, and Him alone. How exciting!!! It is beyond incredible to know that, if I believe in and love God, then I will be able to find joy in every circumstance, because He never changes. God is a perfect constant, and I need to pursue Him with every inch of my being!

If I DO believe God is real, then I won’t care about anything else. I won’t be foolishly prideful because I’ll have to recognize that everything that I’m blessed with comes from Him. I won’t waste time caring what others think of me. I won’t be afraid of how the world judges me. I won’t be able to stop myself from proclaiming to the world that my God is more awesome than anything any human has EVER experienced.  I won’t chase success. I won’t chase money. I won’t fight for respect. I won’t corrupt my mind with dumb movies. I won’t fill my conversations with inappropriate jokes or cutting comments. If I believe God is real, then I won’t care about anything else. If I believe that God is sitting here next to me, reading this blog, then I won’t waste time wondering what people will think of me when they read it. If I believe that God is sitting enthroned above, then I have nothing to fear. Nothing! Not one single thing.

My Father is stronger than anything else ever. My Father, my Creator, my Saviour LOVES me. And if I believe in Him, I wouldn’t be able to help but love Him too!

Random Thoughts, Organized